Notes on a Ransom by Mike McHone

Scene: The exterior of Detroit City Hall. Members of the media are gathered. Detective Richard Dryer approaches a podium just outside the front entrance.

Dryer: “Good afternoon. I wanted to issue an update regarding the kidnapping of Mavis Jacobson, the twenty year old daughter of Michigan real estate developer Wilford Jacobson. As you know, Ms. Jacobson was abducted from the family estate yesterday morning. Earlier today, Mr. Jacobson and his wife received a ransom note demanding five million dollars in exchange for the return of his daughter.”

(Cameras flash.)

Dryer: “The experts in the crime lab examined the note and have determined its legitimacy. If the kidnappers are listening, the Jacobsons have agreed to your terms. They will pay the requested amount and are begging you not to hurt their daughter. They ask that once the money has been transferred to the off-shore account you indicated in the note, you return Mavis, safe, sound, and unharmed… I will now take your questions.” 

Reporter 1: “Detective, how did the Jacobsons receive the ransom note?”

Dryer: “It came through standard US Mail.”

Reporter 1: “Can you trace where the letter was mailed from?”

Dryer: “The crime lab is working on that as we speak, and investigators are coordinating with officials from the Postal Service, but as of now, we can’t pinpoint an exact location.”

Reporter 2: “Detective, can you share any details of the note itself?”

Dryer: “Yes, I can. The note was brief, to the point, handwritten, in pencil, possibly a number two graphite pencil, on a standard eight and a half by eleven, twenty pound, white piece of paper.”

Reporter 2: “Thank you, sir, but I meant the actual contents of the letter.”

Dryer: “I see. Well, after I gave the note a cursory glance, I could tell immediately the kidnappers had very little regard for their readers, and their writing skills were substandard at best.”

Reporter 1: “Would you mind elaborating on that, Detective?”

Dryer: (Pulls a copy of the note from his jacket pocket.) “Yes. This is the opening sentence. ‘We have been planning to do this for years.’”

(Groans from the crowd.)

Dryer: “‘Have been planning.’ If they had taken their audience into consideration, they could’ve worded it, ‘We’ve planned to do this for years,’ or something along those lines, but they did not. Their disregard for basic grammar is borderline sociopathic.” 

Reporter 3: “Sir, you stated the note was handwritten. Can you give us any details on that?”

Dryer: “Let me be frank. In my twenty-seven years on the force, this is the worst penmanship I’ve ever seen. It’s illegible, almost indecipherable. Chicken scratch doesn’t begin to describe it. It looks as if it could’ve been scrawled on the walls of a sanitarium in human excrement.”

Reporter 3: “Sir, don’t you think that’s a little overdramatic?”

Dryer: “I do, and I certainly hope the writer of this story remembers to take it out before he submits it for publication.”

Reporter 2: “Sir, getting back to the contents of the note, sources have mentioned an excessive amount of exclamation points. Can you comment on that?”

Dryer: “Handwriting experts have concluded the kidnappers utilized at least four, maybe five, exclamation points in their one page note.”

(Gasps.)

Reporter 2: “Maybe five, sir?”

Dryer: “The fifth could’ve been a colon or semicolon. It’s still under examination, but the boys in the lab are working around the clock to figure it out.”

Reporter 1: “There’s been a rumor concerning a quotation. Can you give us insight on that?”

Dryer: “I’d hoped that wouldn’t come up.” (Sighs.) “At the bottom of the page, the kidnappers wrote, ‘You miss one hundred percent of the shots you don’t take,’ and attributed it to Michael Jordan. Analysts notified us late last night the quote actually belongs to none other than Wayne Gretzky.” 

(Gasps. One reporter faints. Another screams.)

Dryer: “It’s a shame when innocent bystanders get caught up in something like this. On behalf of the Detroit Police Department, I would like to apologize to the families of Mr. Jordan and Mr. Gretzky. God willing, we can move past this and soon put the wreckage behind us.”

Reporter 2: “Detective Dryer, is there anything else you can share regarding the ransom?”

Dryer: “I would like to, but unfortunately, we’re rapidly approaching the word limit of this story, and I can’t necessarily go into details at this time.”

Reporter 3: “And there’s no way around that, sir?”

Dryer: “No. This publication only allows flash fiction stories up to 1,000 words, and there’s nothing I can do. I don’t have to tell you the headaches and setbacks a cop has to face when red tape gets in the way of an investigation. Maybe the writer of this piece could’ve utilized less adjectives, chosen his words a bit more carefully, but there’s nothing to be done about it now. It is—as they say, whoever they are—what it is.”

Reporter 3: “Don’t you mean, ‘Whomever they are?’”

Dryer: “Go fuck yourself.”

Reporter 1: “Sir, do you have any clue how this will end?”

Dryer: “I would assume with the words ‘The End’, but as far as the kidnapping and ransom goes, I have no clue. It’s in God’s hands now, and all we can do is sit back, hope for the best, and pray Mavis gets home safe. But if she doesn’t, it’s really no big deal. This is fiction and none of this shit is really happening anyway.”

Reporter 2: “Detective—”

Dryer: “I’m sorry, everyone, but we’re out of time. Thank you for your attention. Have a good day.”

THE END 

Dryer: “See? Told you.”

THE END, FOR REAL THIS TIME

​About the author:

Mike McHone's fiction has appeared in Ellery Queen, Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, Dark Yonder, Mystery Tribune, Rock and a Hard Place, the Anthony Award-nominated anthology Under the Thumb: Stories of Police Oppression, Edited by SA Cosby, and elsewhere. A former journalist, his articles, op-eds, and humor pieces have appeared in the Detroit News, the AV Club, Playboy, and numerous other outlets. He is the 2020 recipient of the Mystery Writers of America’s Hugh Holton Award and has placed twice on Ellery Queen’s Annual Readers List. He lives in Detroit.